School Sucks, Life is Hard Here's Your Fucking Holiday Card
by readers PUNishment
Summary: Humanstuck Karkat and Eridan dick around. Literally. This may eventually become rated M but for now it is rated T for language (i.e. Karkat) and terrible puns. You have been warned.


**101 Ways to Say Fuck You**

 **~Karkat~**

The holidays were the worst time of year. On any given day people are far too excitable not to mention on the holidays. There is a god damn day dedicated to killing each other over inexpensive electronics right after the fucking day of thanks and pretending to care about homeless people. People give you shitty gifts and expected something better in return. No Aunt Rosa I don't want another sweater, you ain't getting shit this year! But the worst part of it was still to come, New Year, The holiday that drunks made it socially acceptable to stay up late and get wasted so you could kiss someone. He felt pressured to pucker up when the ball dropped ever since his balls dropped. Karkat hated the holidays.

After, of course, everyone had to go back to school which sucked more ass than a raging homosexual. Everyone was bouncing off of the god damn walls and chattering over what they did the last couple of weeks. All of them were stupid for thinking that getting a new phone or making up stories about getting laid was any big feat or even news worthy. Of course maybe he was just jealous of all of their ignorance. He didn't get jack squat. His dad was a preacher and his mom worked at the ASPCA they were happy to just get food on the table at times. He got a videogame for his DS, 2 sweaters, and a card. He didn't exactly have bragging rights. Luckily he still had another week he didn't have to go back.

Christmas he got work off; it was the only good thing that came out the holidays, but alas it was the day he had to get on back to his job of dealing with hipsters and white girls. Starbucks was a shitty place to work from people asking if he could heat up to an oddly specific temperature to people asking about the secret menu. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SECRET MENU YOU ABSLOUTE FUCKING ASSHOLE IT IS A FACTICIOUS LIST OF DRINKS DERIVED FROM THE INTERNET BECAUSE SOMEONE HATED STARBUCKS WORKERS! Karkat still put on the olive green apron and headed on inside only to be greeted with a, "You're late." From his coworker and friend, although he would never admit the latter.

"No fucking way. Thank you for the update because I didn't have a god damn clock to tell my own damn time. The roads were icy what did you want me to do about it?" Karkat rolled his eyes and stepped behind the counter getting things all prepped while Sollux leaned on the wall sipping at a cup of coffee he most likely made with the grotesques concoction of everything he could find that was sweet. It was really a sad excuse for coffee, really just honey in warm, sweet, warm, chocolate milk. The kid was exceptionally tall and lanky; he had the body type of a bendy straw and a lopsided smirk to match it. Of course he couldn't be completed without the mutation of having heterochromia where one of his eyes was a deep blue while the other was a light brown nearly copper. He looked like he was painted by Picasso.

"Heh, well you mithed it, John and Rothe'th thithter came in all touchy feely, almotht made me believe that he ithn't gay." Sollux chuckled before downing the rest of the 'coffee' and setting it on the counter for Karkat to take care of.

"My bullshit-o-meter is going fucking haywire. Best case scenario is that she is his odd choice for a metaphorical beard. That guy is gayer than if Tumblr and Fanfiction had one passionate night of unprotected sex and then 9 months later had a love child they named it Free." It actually wasn't that hard to believe, although John had seemed to have been entirely too friendly with his friend Dave and Karkat on more than one occasion, that said it could be just a semi homophobic boy thing to obsessively tell everyone how strait you were after a mildly gay thing just happened. The chances of him actually liking dick were slim, just mere speculation.

As the small angry coffee server ranted about how preposterous it was that his flamboyant friend could land a girl even if said girl was drunk all the time and probably didn't even know where she was half the time a bran-spakin'-new purple sports car pulled in to the parking lot making it look very out of place considering none of the other cars had their original pieces. A boy with a harry potter scarf wrapped around his neck and a grey sweater stepped out of the passenger side of the fancy car followed by a larger version of himself who looked like a greaser.

"Thould have known Ampora would get a car..." Both of the coffee boys looked over the counter in a gape. Karkat couldn't imagine the kind of money the Ampora family had, their dad was some sort of big shot business man and made more money than he knew what to do with. He had two sons he also didn't know what to do with. Cronus and Eridan only recently came to their school last year thanks to some kind of mishap and got themselves kicked out of private school. Eridan was a senior and his brother, a super senior on the path to become a super super senior. The family was destined for great things. "What are the oddth that Cronuth athkth about your brother?"

"Shut the fuck up!" The front door of the shop opened and the odd pair of brothers stepped in. Eridan took a seat so he could get his computer up and running at a plug while Cronus came right up to the counter with a large smirk on his face.

"Hey chief I think I'll take a salted caramel mocha." Karkat picked up one of the cups writing the drink and 'Cronass' so he would know who it was for as Cronass pulled out of his pocket a card that read '5th purchase your next beverage is 50% off!' with all the little hole punchies popped out. "I know this is for the drink but I was wonderin' if this worked on your cloths too."

Sollux snorted and started making the drink with the cup Karkat handed him. "That was an unfathomably stupid way of trying to pick me up, seriously. How idiotic do you have to be? First of all no one uses god damn pick up lines anymore and second there is no chance in hell I would ever consider thinking of you in that way. I'm not even gay." No of course he wasn't gay! Just because he wore turtle necks and tight pants didn't make him gay. He was just fashionable!

The greaser shrugged with his smirk ever present leaning over the counter waving a ten at him to pay for his drink. "Fine then where's your brother?"

"Like I would tell you! He's got a vow to the church god is the only person he ever wants to be intimate with and it's not like he would give that up for some douche bag like you. He doesn't like to hang out with retards." Karkat snagged the money and coupon from him and plugging a few things into the cash register before sticking the money in the appropriate slot and getting his change. Sollux grinned and eyed him with his mismatched eyes in an 'I told you so' way only he could do.

"That's not true I saw him talkin' with Captor yesterday."The Asspora smirked just taunting the two of them now. On any given day Sollux would have fought him for saying that but this was a day he was feeling especially passive aggressive and wanted to keep his job for a little bit longer so he spit in his drink.

Karkat threw his change at him which would have been better if there were more coins. "Get your drink and fuck off!"

* * *

 _ **Don't worry yaoi obsessed Fangirls Gay things are sure to cum. You just have to deal with the beginning it will be a bit hard to get through but when it does I am sure you will enjoy the ride. I would like to thank the Klassiest fellow I know for Cronus' pick up like.**_


End file.
